Relapsing Addiction
by ellenong
Summary: Tears burned my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. He wasn't worth it - I was stronger than that. My heart felt as if it was being torn to pieces as I watched the scene in front of me. I would not, could not turn away, no matter how much it hurt. Rated M for suicidal thoughts and cutting, basically anything dark. WARNING: TRIGGER, Don't read if sensitive.


**Relapsing Addiction**

Korra POV:

Tears burned my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. He wasn't worth it - I was stronger than that.

My heart felt as if it was being torn to pieces as I watched the scene in front of me. I would not, could not turn away, no matter how much it hurt. I gripped the knife in my hand.

I looked down at my sleeves, tugging at them until I tore them off, leaving my wrists bare and vulnerable to the morning breeze. I could see the veins, the major arteries, the blood pulsing through them. It would be so easy, just one cut right? And the pain would just go away, disappear.

I would forget about everything, about how Mako would never love me the way I love him, or the way he would smile and kiss her when I wish it would be me. The way his eyes sparkled every time their hands touched or the fire that ignited every time he laid his eyes on her.

I could see his flawless features in the dim light that night. Standing under that shining moonlight as I stared at him in wonder. He was handsome. He looked perfect.

_"Korra?" His voice echoed through my ear. His voice so silky and smooth made my lip quiver and my legs tremble. I didn't know where my mind was, probably elsewhere where I could listen to him endlessly. _

_"What are you doing out here?" I realized he was asking a question and desperately shook my head, trying to recall what he was asking. He stood there, arms crossed, unimpressed as he tapped his foot impatiently waiting for an answer. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and forced myself to look him in the eye. _

_"Um." I didn't know how to answer. What was I going to say? That I was standing out here, just watching him? That would be too creepy. _

_He continued to stare wondrously at me and my forehead began to sweat, my palms were sticky and my cheeks flushed a deep crimson red. I had absolutely no answer to that. _

_But there was one thing I had wanted to say to him since the first day I stumbled upon him, when Bolin brought me to the Probending Arena. It was magical night._

_Here goes nothing. I took a big gulp of air and the words poured out of my mouth before I could even change my mind. "Look, I really like you and I think that we are meant for each other."_

_His face goes expressionless, showing no sort of emotion at all. His body becomes rigid and hard. I covered my mouth almost immediately and stared at him wide-eyed. He took a gulp of air and I silently prayed to all the gods that he would feel the same. _

_"Korra, I'm really sorry but I just don't feel the same way." His voice wasn't perfect anymore. _

_Those were the only words that I needed to hear. Those were the only words that could break my heart. And it did. It shattered it into a million pieces. _

_I fought back tears and sunk my teeth into my bottom lip to prevent myself from choking up sobs. And just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse. I heard the voice that I had dreaded all night and ever since that fateful day she stole Mako away. _

_"Hey sweetie." I spun around and froze in place when I saw the raven-haired beauty making her way across to us. Her long wavy hair cascading down her back, her dress flowing freely behind her in the wind as her legs moved so gracefully and swiftly it looked like she was floating. _

_She came to a stop before us and I could see Mako's gaping mouth open. He was staring at her and I felt like crawling into a hole, left to die there. _

_She gave him one of her award winning smiles and that was when she noticed me cowering next to him. Standing beside her, she was even more radiant than ever. Comparing myself to her, I was like a piece of garbage on the side of the road while she was a shining new bicycle. _

_"Oh hey Korra." I could here how her voice strained my name. I winced at how cold she sounded. It wasn't just her voice that left me uneasy, her whole face did not show any compassion to me and she had a blaming expression painted on her face, almost thinking that I was going to steal Mako away from her. _

_And I might have if he hadn't rejected me so coldly. _

_She gave me a fake smile, her upper lip curling around her top teeth. Then as swiftly as she arrived, she turned her attention back to Mako, who just happened to be still ogling her. His eyes glimmered with passion and lust, but more importantly, love, as she planted a light kiss on his lips. _

_I could only watch motionless, unmoving, feet glued to the ground as I watched the events unfold before my eyes. _

_It made my stomach churn with disgust every time I saw him look at her the way I would look at him. If only he could realize that I would always be there for him, that I would always be the one to love him no matter what. _

_But he didn't, I was still living, breathing, knowing that no matter how hard I tried he would never see me as an equal. That his mind would only be of one person, someone who was perfect, beautiful and rich, and I know that it doesn't matter what I do to impress him or even get his attention, it will never be. He would prefer her over me any day. After all, who was I?_

_I was nobody. I go by everyday unnoticed, forgotten and invisible. I was just another face in a crowd of murmur. I was just another person. No one special, no one important, just like everyone else in this dammed world. _

_At that moment, I felt like my whole world was crashing down on me and I was hopeless to do anything. Anything I would do wouldn't change his mind in a thousand years. And I finally got it, it was hopeless to try. _

The pain of remembering that night was overbearing and it weighed down on my shoulders like a thousand tons. It felt like a burden every living second that I spent breathing. I squeezed my eyes shut, holding my breath as I continued to remember flashbacks of that night.

My top set of teeth sunk down into my swollen bottom lip as moisture in my eyes had brimmed over. I could feel the small pellets slide down my cheek, leaving behind a wet trail. I quickly swiped away at the free flowing tears that were quickly replaced by more. More traitorous tears threatened to fall, my body betraying me as I tried to suppress more sobs.

I could do this, no I needed to do this. I needed to cut the pain away because pain was all I deserved. I brought the blade to my hot sticky flesh. The cool slate of the blade made my body shiver and jump. I let one last tear trickle down my cheek, as I pressed the blade onto my wrist.

For a moment, I couldn't feel anything. Nothing, just emptiness. Several more tears escaped my eyes and fell to the floor with a splash. I let the blade slip away from my hand and plummet to the ground with a clash. The metal blade met the cold stone floor with a ringing sensation that echoed through my ears.

I had failed, yet another time. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't even cut away the pain, the pain I deserved so very much. Why was the universe denying this from me?

Then it hit me, all at once. First the fire sensation riveting through my wrist, it hurt, it ached, it burned as I held back a scream. Then a new blaze scorched and seared through my body. The torment didn't seize my body this time, a different vibe replaced the old discomfort, a new thrill that sent my body into a frenzy and the adrenaline rushing.

I stared at it, a drop of blood smudged its way down to the palm of my hand and dripped onto the floor. Several more took its place. My eyes were now clouded with tears, unable to fall, I swiped away the tears with my now-empty right hand and stared down at the mess of my left hand.

Blood now oozed from the slit and formed a pool of crimson-red liquid at the base of my knees. I quickly grabbed a cloth from the nearby chair and pressed it against my sweltering, hot skin.

The initial touch of the cloth irritated the wound and I cringed in discomfort. I pushed back the tears willing to fall and bit my top teeth down on my bottom lip as I increased the pressure on the wound.

"Korra." I heard someone call from down the hall. I stayed quiet, trying to decipher where the voice was coming from, to whom it belonged to and how close it was.

"Korra?" I could recognize that voice anywhere. It was that very last voice I heard before my world turned upside down. It was the voice that I once loved but it was also the very same voice that had turned down my love.

I could hear his brisk footsteps travelling across the wooden floorboards. I froze in place, blood still trickling down from my wrists. His footsteps got closer and soon enough I could hear his deep breaths and sighs on the other side of the door.

I scrambled off the floor and picked up the cloth stained red with my blood. I threw the tattered cloth to the other side of the room and into the clothes hamper. I looked around the room frantically, making sure not to leave any evidence or trail of blood behind.

"Korra? Are you in there?" He was outside my door now. Confused and my mind elsewhere, I quickly scattered to the other side of the room and grabbed another clean fresh cloth and placed it lightly over my skin. I winced at the contact, it burned and irritated the fresh cut and I suppressed squeezing my eyes or showing any pain.

The door creaked open, and I jumped slightly at the sudden movement. I briskly turned around in time to see him standing full body in my room. His hair was disheveled and the look on his face said it all.

"Pema told me to tell you breakfast is ready." His voice was strained and he gave off a vibe that said he didn't want to be here at all. He refused to meet my eyes and that was might as well because I didn't think I could handle him looking him in the eye and seeing all that I could've gotten, all the love I could've given him and all the pain I didn't have to endure if he just said those three words.

I had to remind myself that I couldn't feel this way about him. He was in love with Asami, so why couldn't I take my mind off him?

Recovering from my thoughts and my arm still vulnerable within his vision. I stuck it behind my back, praying that the blood had stopped gushing from the wound and put on a fake smile. "Oh tell Pema. I'll be right out."

He turned around without another word. Obviously our friendship hadn't been so smooth after that night. It would never be anymore. He hadn't forgotten it and neither will I. Not ever.

Now, it was like a ship close to shore, navigating it's way through the sharp rocks protruding through the waves. At any moment, the ship could crash and sink and maybe it wouldn't. It would be a risk but that risk would be avoided if the ship just avoided the rocks. So that's what happened with us, we just distanced each other.

It has worked so far, except for the fact that I was still very much in love with him. Despite how much my mind protested against my actions, my heart just wouldn't listen.

That left me weak and vulnerable to pain. My wounds open for him to walk in and make them deeper. He was the only one who could put me together as fast as he took me apart. And right now, he was doing the worst thing possible - ripping me apart excruciatingly slowly.

I waited until I heard his footsteps disappear down the corridor and then withdrew my left arm from behind me and took off the originally yellow cloth. The wrist looked normal except a now pink scar running from one side to another on the underside of my wrist.

Without another glance, I quickly bandaged up my wrist and slid on my normal water tribe clothes. I caught myself in the reflection; I looked paler and skinnier than usual. The eye bags under my eyes gave away the bad shape I was in.

My love for him burns brighter than the sun, and more than he could realise. I couldn't get enough of him, each day I just yearned for more than I could grasp but that didn't stop me. His voice still echoes through my head, constantly reminding me of what could never be mine. But my heart never strayed, because it had found the one thing I couldn't have.

And that was a relapsing addiction.

* * *

_A/N: I tried writing a one-shot and this is how it turned out. I would like to give a big shoutout to **Fairysdarkestnight**. Without her consistent help with this oneshot in the past month, it would never have gotten there. I want you all to go check her, follow and favourite her stories. She is simply so amazing! Give her lots of love._

_Thank you all for reading once again!_


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